


Bounce Back

by 852_Prospect_Archivist



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M, h/c
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 09:07:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/796429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/852_Prospect_Archivist/pseuds/852_Prospect_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Can Jim help Blair bounce back from a life-altering decision? Or is he the cause of it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bounce Back

## Bounce Back

by Jvantheterrible

I claim NOTHING. 

Thank you to ALL of you who've sent me LOC's over these last few months while my muse has been in hibernation. If she's not fully awake, at least MAYBE she'll hang in for another episode or three.

THIS version of Blair has him do something VERY out-of-character from the TV show.again, this IS fiction.

* * *

**BOUNCE BACK**

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO**

I'd known for weeks that things weren't quite right with my recently appointed MC partner, but I had no idea the extent to which he was suffering. All those days had passed by, and though I noticed the slightest bit of change in his demeanor and behavior, I guess it just hadn't sunk in. He'd left the office earlier because he wasn't feeling well. Despite the fact that it was unlike him to duck out prematurely, he was looking a little peaked, so I shrugged it off as 'Rookie Jitters' and nodded to him, not even looking up at him as he grabbed his coat and left the bullpen. Caught up in my paperwork as I was, I failed to notice anything unusual about his exit...until ten minutes later Henri strode in from the elevator and stopped in front of my desk with his hands on his hips and a frown on his face. 

"What'd you do to him this time, Ellison?" Brown inquired with a hint of challenge in his tone; over the years that Sandburg had been my ride-along, up to and including three months ago when he finally got his badge and gun, the guys had always treated him like a brother in blue. Now, however, he had become the 'Golden Child' of the entire department. No bullshit would be tolerated from anyone outside - or inside - our tight-knit group. I dropped my pen and squinted my eyes against the suddenly-too-bright fluorescent lighting as I looked up at Henri to see what the hell his problem was. I didn't expect the genuine distress that met my questioning gaze. 

"What are you talking about, H?" I asked, "He who?" 

"Your partner, man, who else?" Still at a loss to what was going on, I pressed Brown for more information regarding his still insolent tone and line of questioning. 

"Blair? He wasn't feeling well, so he begged off a bit early, that's all. I don't think he's been sleeping well lately or...something," I shrugged as I attempted to return to my report, hoping to finish it sometime soon so I could join my partner and roommate at our still-shared home. Picking up my pen, I intended to finish signing off my paperwork - and cursed under my breath as Henri Brown, for the first time in the many years we'd worked together, did something I never would have expected. He released his hips and leaned forward over my desk, snatching the pen away from me angrily and tossing it over his shoulder. 

"What the hell is your problem, Brown?" I snarled as I attempted to stand up from my chair, "I'd like to get out of here sometime today, alright? Jesus Christ, go pick on someone el-" he cut me off in mid-sentence with a growl of his own, and I held my hands up in surrender as I sat back down and waited to hear what the fuck his problem was. Again, I was shocked at his reply...never in a million fucking years would I have expected the words that he spoke to me next. In a mere whisper, he let me in on the secret that had him attacking me in my own workspace. 

"He was cryin' when he left here, man," Brown muttered under his breath, "He walked past the breakroom on his way to the stairs - wanted to avoid the elevator, I guess," H volunteered, "But when he walked past, I could see him wiping at his face. Dude, the kid was fuckin' cryin', Ellison. So what'd you do to him?" Shock didn't even begin to cover the range of emotion I felt at that moment. 

"Nothing, H, I didn't...do...anything to him," I said, waiting for Brown to back a few steps away from my desk before continuing on with the conversation. Sensing my uneasiness and obvious confusion over Blair's state, H nodded and his face took on a more relaxed demeanor, hands dropping to his sides as he stood up straight and nodded once more at me. 

"I appreciate your concern for my partner's welfare, H," I told him as I stood up and grabbed my own coat, reports forgotten for the moment. Reports could wait until tomorrow morning...Blair couldn't. "But I'd also appreciate it in the future if, should this situation come up again, you'd not jump to what might appear to be the easiest conclusion. You know as well as I do that nothing is ever easy where Sandburg is concerned." 

"Sorry, Jim. It's just...you know, the kid is...well, a fuckin' kid! He's like a little bro' to all of us, and I guess I just -" I held up my hands to still Brown's attempted apology. 

"I know, H, I know. Thanks for your concern, and I'm heading home right now. I'll get to the bottom of this, one way or another. Thanks for the heads up." 

"No problem, Jimbo. Tell the kid to take 'em easy, 'kay?" Henri said, concern genuinely evident in his soft tone of voice. 

"Will do. Have a nice evening, Brown. Catch you in the AM," I assured him with a half smile that was nothing more than my lips getting stuck on my teeth as I grimaced, already dreading what I would find when I got home. 'Denial, thy name used to be Ellison' I thought grimly to my self as I pulled on my coat and headed out of the bullpen, 'But Sandburg takes the Grand Prize for Obfuscation...of any kind.' How had I missed the scent of his tears? The sound of his increased heartbeat as he'd headed down the stairwell? Was I really that out of tune with my Guide? Had I really been that absorbed in the work that I'd missed all the signs of his distress? Or was it something else entirely that I was trying to avoid? I ignored the tiny voice screaming 'yessss' in the back of my mind as I exited the elevator and headed for my truck, a man on a mission more important than any case that needed solving as I strapped myself in and steered towards home. 

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO**

The moment I parked and got out of the truck in front of the loft, I knew two things immediately; Blair was indeed upstairs, and he was in the shower - sobbing. I took the stairs because it was always infinitely faster than waiting for the decrepit elevator, running as fast as I could to reach my goal - the loft and, ultimately, Blair. Whomever had hurt my partner this badly...well, she was going to pay. "Fuck," I breathed as I stood outside the front door and debated how I should enter my own home. Should I burst in and immediately head for the bathroom, approaching him with the surprise element? Or should I just mosey on in like nothing was wrong and just 'happen' to discover him in his current state? And what would he want me to do? Come rushing to his aid, crashing through the bathroom door while he was naked and vulnerable in the shower? Or sit quietly on the sofa and let him know that I'd eavesdropped on him as he stepped out in his towel? Shit. Too many options and not enough answers...I stood silently outside the entrance to our home and waited for him to finish his shower. 

My mind raced as I tried to figure out how to handle the situation, and finally, the shower shut off and I heard him step out of the tub. I opened up my senses and allowed myself to scent his tears, every iota of my being tuned in to his smell and sound. God, if I could only take him in my arms and tell him it was all going to be okay, whatever it was...and just where did that come from? The little voice in my head spoke again, 'You idiot! You know why he's upset...just do what you've always wanted to do! That's what he wants! That's why he's -' I cut off the voice by shaking my head violently to and fro. "NO!" I hissed aloud, hoping that no one had heard me out here in the hallway talking to myself. I managed to gather my resolve moments later and slid my key into the lock, taking care to be quite noisy as I did so. 

I slammed the door behind me, giving my partner adequate notice that I was indeed home...I heard him gasp and sniffle from behind the bathroom door, hurrying to hide the evidence of his crying jag from me as he scrubbed his face with his towel. Several more minutes passed before he finally exited the small room. Steam trailed out behind him as he headed for the French doors wrapped in nothing more than a towel. He managed a slight, "Hey man," at me before shutting himself in his room, and I got up from where I'd been sitting on fhe sofa and grabbed a beer from the fridge. It was obviously going to be a long night. 

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO**

I flipped on the television and gave him twenty minutes before I realized that he wasn't going to come out of his hovel of a room, then I shouted in at him, "Wanna' beer, Chief? There's a great special on about the...let's see...tribes of the Amazon Rain Forest." The reply was muffled and barely audible, even to my above expert hearing, but I managed to pick it up. 

"No, man, that's okay. Just gonna' turn in...tired," his voice trailed off as though he were burying his face in his pillows - and he probably was, I thought to myself as I stood up and paced for a while as I debated what course of action I should take next. I gulped down the rest of my beer before heading to the fridge for a fresh one, deciding that this entire charade was ridiculous. He had to know that I knew that he was upset, for God's sake. Whether Henri had clued me in or not, I would've scented his tears the moment I got home anyway...wouldn't I? That Goddamn tiny voice spoke up once more from the recesses of my brain, and though I tried to ignore it, it seemed to know what it was talking about, no matter how much I consciously attempted to disspel its theories. I listened to the voice rail on as I sucked down half of my newest beer and continued to pace... 

'Jesus Ellison, how fucking stupid are you? He gave up everything for you! Ten years of college, nearly two of those spent writing about you...only to piss it all away just to save your so-called gifted Sentinel ass! And then what does he do? He becomes your official fucking partner to top it all off. Declares all of his years of work a fucking fraud to save your sorry butt. Defies all that he's ever been raised as, according to Naomi, in order to become a 'PIG' so that he can stay at your side, continue living with you, and carry on as your partner. Do you honestly think that that's what he wanted ALL THIS TIME?' 

"SHUT UP!" I shouted to no one as the voice receded back into the haunted depths of my mind...while I threw the remainder of my beer forcefully against the solidness of the island in the middle of the kitchen. I winced as it shattered into a million pieces of amber glass and liquid spread out across the floor, not very surprised at all when Sandburg barged out of his room. His beautiful damp curls were spread across his shoulders and a look of intense, "What the fuck, man?" permeated his features, even as he gave voice to those very words. 

I only managed to utter one single, solitary word then. I stood with my hands at my sides, completely retarded as to something else to say as my roommate, partner, Guide, and Shaman stood before me in torn sweatpants and an old Cascade PD tee-shirt - that used to be mine, I noticed - waiting for some kind of explanation. "Beautiful," I whispered, then froze. Rooted to the spot where I had been standing as though I'd suddenly grown the necessary appendages to actually be 'rooted' there. 

"Huh? Wha...what did you just say, man?" Sandburg asked me as he completely disregarded the mess now gracing our shared kitchen. I swore I could smell the salt of his tears before, seconds later, the actual thing began to course down his cheeks as he repeated his question, "What did you say, Jim? Huh? Are you talking to me, Ellison, or is this some kind of sick joke?" He continued towards me, clad in the same sweats and tee-shirt that I'd seen him in countless times over the years...and had managed to ignore just as often...suddenly unable to come up with any kind of witty reply or put-down...or put-off. 

"Nothing," I whispered at him as I stepped away from him for every step that he put forward. "Nothing, Chief, I swear," my voice finally gave out, my heart hammering in my chest as he continued to move closer, then closer still, and I did my damnedest to move back from him. Until the brick wall of the living room stopped me from moving, and allowed him to gain on me until he was standing so close in front of me that I could smell...him. Everything about him; his hair, the shampoo and soap he'd used to bathe in earlier, the salt of his tears, the sound of his pounding heart nearly vibrating my eardrums, the feel of his heat so close...and I couldn't deny him that anymore. It was over. It was all over now, and I knew it, and I clenched my eyes shut and managed to whisper one word...the only word that might save me now. And I ignored all the advice of the fucking chatter in the back of my mind, and everything that I'd witnessed tonight, and everything that I'd felt for the last five years. 

And I said it, as he stepped even closer to me, reaching out for me with hands that had been punished too many times to count, along with the rest of his body, all in the name of being close to me. I managed to utter that one word, "No," and I didn't even have to open my eyes to know that he was stepping away from me. Now and forever, he was backing away, and God help me, it was the best thing for both of us, and I opened my eyes and watched as he made his way back to his room with his head down and his hands clenched into fists at his sides. I listened to the French doors slam and I knew that I had lost him, well and truly and finally...and for the last time I let the tears track down my own cheeks as I climbed the stairs for my own bedroom. My own head hung in misery and defeat as I disrobed and climbed into my own bed, suddenly overcome with more exhaustion than I'd felt before in my entire life. 

In the back of my mind I could hear the evil laughing that resonated, promising that I'd reap what I'd sown, and I snarled mentally at it as I pulled the covers up and over my shoulders. I buried my head in my pillows and refused to admit that the one thing that could make this all go away...was undoubtedly going to go away - himself. And I allowed myself to truly grieve as I reached out and turned on the white noise generator he'd given me years ago, selfishly allowing myself to sleep while he continued his grieving downstairs, in the hovel of a room where he'd lived for the past five years. That small amount of space I'd given him to call his own inside of my own world, where he'd managed to attach himself as some sort of appendage to me. And Damn him, after all! Damn him for breaking through all of my barriers and breaking me down until I shared my entire life with him! Damn him for being the only soul that I've ever loved more than anything in the whole world. Damn him for...for...being him...lovable and beautiful and tireless and relentless him. And while those thoughts raced round and round in my head, I fell into a restless and nightmare-filled sleep that disturbed me more than it rested me, until the alarm finally went off at 5:30 the next morning. 

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO**

I have no idea how long the alarm had been buzzing its incessant wake-up call; I finally awoke drenched in sweat, the covers tangled in my legs, two pillows clutched to my chest and the word 'Chief' on my lips. "Shit," I muttered as I untangled myself from the sheets and blanket and got up from the bed, raising my arms over my head in a stretch as I opened up my hearing for the precious sounds that should have been emanating from the ground floor. 

I opened up hearing and scent and found...no sound and the scent was...it was...sour. "No, Chief, oh Christ no...not this, Blair, not like this, please," I cried as I half-ran, half-fell down the steps and made my way clumsily to his room. I threw the French doors open to reveal my beloved partner, Guide to my so-called Blessed Protector, best friend extraordinaire..."Nononononoooooo," I shouted as I dropped to my knees beside the futon where his lifeless body rested, "Chief?" I asked hollowly as I tried to pick up some sort of pulse...and found none, even as I grabbed his right wrist and pressed my fingers to it physically, as though ignoring the fact that my senses hadn't picked it up beforehand. 

"Blair!" I screamed as I dropped his hand and still shouted his name as I ran out of his room and grabbed the cordless, dialing 9-1-1 as I made my way back to his side. I fell to my knees beside him on the futon and pulled his lifeless - but still warm, I noted absently - body into my lap. I cradled him to my chest as the operator on the other end asked me for the emergency at hand. "852 Prospect, 3rd Floor...I need an ambulance...NOW!" I screamed as I let the handset fall from between my chin and shoulder and concentrated all of my energy on the young man now in my lap. 

"852 Prospect, 3rd Floor," I repeated as tears streamed down my face and landed on the beloved but now lifeless curls of my Guide, Shaman, partner, and would-have-been lover...if only I'd listened to that little voice. The little voice spoke up once more, and I sobbed uncontrollably while I rocked the pliant body of my would-have-been mate in my arms. 

'All you had to do was listen to me, Ellison...but you shoved me back and out of the way, and now look what you have to work with. You let him give the ultimate sacrifice for your ignorance. You should have merged long ago, but now you are paying the price. You don't deserve him, and now he's showing you exactly what you will receive in exchange for your denial. Was it worth it, Sentinel? Or will you forever regret not allowing yourself to experience the REAL merging of Sentinel and Guide...the TRUE meaning of your bond?' 

I rocked Sandburg in my arms for several more minutes while I waited for the ambulance to arrive. I managed to let go of him and place him flat on the floor, where I administered CPR as best as I could until the paramedics finally arrived and shocked him back to whatever semblance of life he would know when he woke from this latest disaster. It wasn't until they'd strapped him to the gurney and wheeled him out that I found his note...as well as the now-empty bottle of sleeping pills he'd managed to obtain - also outside of my knowledge - in his room. 

The empty bottle that I'd missed earlier rested alongside his makeshift futon bed, and I found myself riveted to my current spot, on my knees beside his place of rest. The clumsily written note was clutched - still unread - in my fists even as Simon finally arrived some twenty minutes after Blair had been rushed to the hospital. I was beyond consolation, and the big man that I'd called Captain for so many years managed to pry the evidence out of my hand and, as though in some sort of punishment, began to read it aloud. 

"My Dearest Jim..." the deep voice resounded in my ears as I pulled my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around my shins protectively. Despite the faade of my unwillingness to listen, he continued...knowing that this was the only way that I would be able to go to my Guide despite all that had transpired between us. He looked down at me for some sign of acceptance, and I managed to nod up at him - despite my tears and silently hitching sobs, urging him to continue reading what might be my partner's final thoughts. 

"Five and a half years ago, we met under some crazy circumstances. I faked being a doctor so that I could worm my way into your life...and oh, man, if I'd ever known that you and I both would have come this far? Well, I'd do it all over again, and I mean that, Jim, honestly. 

Over these past several years, you've remained not only my friend, but my research subject...my confidant...my...my fucking hero, man! Yeah, that's right, you have to know that I've put you up on that pedestal so many times now. I'm an educated man, man, and I'm still telling you that you win out over any other project I've ever done. Somewhere along the line, you stopped being the subject of my studies, and you became the subject of my...yeah, take a deep breath, man...my desires. I've dreamt about you and I becoming partners in all aspects of the word for months - no, years now - and though I'm about to swear my allegiances to the Cascade PD, I have to tell you, Jim...the only reason I'm really here is for you." 

"NO! Simon...Sir...please, don't do this to me," I begged as I cried at his feet like a child, and as his own tears streamed down his face, Banks did nothing more than continue to read the letter. His voice somehow steadied as he read on - despite my pitious attempts to stop him. I could only assume at that point that it was his years of experience that allowed him to defy my meager arguments. He read the words of the young man that was practically a son to he, himself, and I closed my eyes and dropped my chin to my chest as I listened to my Captain finish up my partner's final wish list. 

"You know that I've always held a special place for you, Jim. I didn't want you to know that that particular place was my heart, but it was, man. I...I love you, Jim, and if you're getting this letter now, that means that I loved you...but I want you to know that I felt it from the bottom of my soul. Every second up until the very one that we were separated, no matter what the reason or reasons were for our being split up." 

Simon stopped reading long enough to wipe his face and clear his throat, and I curled that much further in on myself, if that were physically possible, in order to listen to the rest of the note. I reached out and retrieved the pill bottle, clutching in within my closed fist, bringing it to my heart so I could finish listening to the so-called eulogy. 

"Yeah, I love you man...isn't that a rush? Just like my first day when Kincaid took me hostage up in his helicopter and you held on, just beneath me, to bring me back to safety. I want you to know that I've always felt that way about you, Jim. That you were just waiting to bring me back to safety. And I don't want you to blame yourself if you just couldn't do it this one last time...it was probably my own fault this time, and for that I absolve you of all Blessed Protector Syndrome and guilt and whatever else might eat away at you. I know you did your best by me, and I love you for that, like everything else that's transpired in our lives together. I also know that if you're getting this letter now, we were never able to consummate our relationship...and I apologize to Simon for having to find out this way that I felt "that"way for you...and I apologize to you too, man. 

"Oh God, no," I whispered, listening to Simon swallow thickly and clear his throat before continuing. "No, please, no more," I bade my lips to form the words, and they did...but no sound issued forth as I listened to my other best friend of the past several years finish up with a barely held in check sob of his own. 

"You guys have been more of a family to me than anyone else in the entire line of my existence. Yeah, Naomi was kind of a flake, and we moved around a lot when I was younger...but I never felt like I had roots until I came to Cascade. And for that I will always be eternally grateful. Simon, you've been like a father to me...and Henri and Rafe and Megan and Joel have been like siblings. Jim, you've been like...God, I don't even know. The epitome of what I envisioned my life ending up like...yeah, we couldn't have had kids together or anything, but if I had to choose a person that I would've loved to spend all eternity with...man, it would be you. Take care of yourself. I'll miss you always, and I'll be waiting for you at the end of the road, whether you choose my path or not. Love you, Jim, always and forever. Blair." 

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO**

I don't know how I ended up in the too-familiar orange plastic chairs in the waiting room at Cascade General, but I was there when I finally managed to open my eyes. All I remembered was Simon's sobbing diatribe of your letter to all of us, and after that...well, nothing, Chief. 

I can only assume that Simon brought me here...that there was some hope of you being revived after being so lifeless in my arms, and he somehow sensed that from the EMT's that took you away from me almost two hours ago. They shocked you over and over again and finally managed to bring you back from death's door, and now you're lying here in a hospital bed, hooked up to God only knows how many hoses and tubes...but you're alive. Well and truly and blessedly alive...at least as far as modern medical science is concerned. 

I sit here, clutching your hand in mine, and I wonder if you really are still in there, Chief. God help me, but I don't want you back if you're not 100% of what you were before you left me, Sandburg. I can't deal with some other form of you; beautiful still, but in any way damaged...it defies my senses to imagine you that way. Hell, it defies not only my common sense but my very heart to envision you that way...any way other than the way you should be. Of course, that's despite the 'less than you way' you've seemed these last few months...and so I'm maudlin again, never mind the fact that you are still here with me...as much as you can be...for the time being. God forgive me, Blair, for not telling you sooner...I love you. I always have and I always - always - will. 

"Can you hear me, Chief? I said I...I love you, Blair. I don't know...I'm not sure what happened...H told me that you were crying when you left the station, and he thought I'd done something to upset you...God, WAS it something I did? Is it because I didn't..." my voice trailed off as the lump in my throat swelled to twice its usual size, and I stopped being a stubborn bastard and let the tears leak down my face before I found my voice again, "Is it because I didn't...no, couldn't....no...SHIT! Is it because I wouldn't kiss you last night? Is that what this is about, Chief? Because I will...I will kiss you, now and later and tomorrow and the day after that, and every day after that. Please, please just come back to me, Blair. I'm...I'm sorry if I made you do this...THING...to yourself. Please come back to me, Sandburg. I need you...I need you so much it just fucking hurts," I finished off in a whisper and dropped my head down to the side of his bed. Still clutching his hand in both of mine as I sobbed uncontrollably, his name escaping my lips every few seconds...for whatever good it would do. I drifted off into a stress-filled but exhausted slumber, praying that he would be awake when I next opened my eyes, broken dreams of his once-smiling face haunting my brain as my body rested. 

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO**

**TBC...**

(Don't you just LOVE cliffhangers? LOL...) 

* * *

End Bounce Back by Jvantheterrible: duranjaxter@comcast.net

Author and story notes above.

  
Disclaimer: _The Sentinel_ is owned etc. by Pet Fly, Inc. These pages and the stories on them are not meant to infringe on, nor are they endorsed by, Pet Fly, Inc. and Paramount. 


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